Gravity – Fifty Shades of Grey Fan Fiction Lyric Wheel Challenge

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I’ll still feel you here
’till the moment I’m gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love
And not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

You loved me ’cause I’m fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see
That you’re everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down,

You’re keeping me down
Something always brings me back to you,
It never takes too long

Gravity – Written by Sarah Bareilles
©
Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Seattle, Saturday, June 5

“Concentrate Ana, the basics. Right foot in front, now the left. That’s it. You can do it. Continue walking. Stop!  Press for the elevator.  Now Wait.” My mind is not capable of rational thought. The cognitive functions have completely shut down. I am working in a semi-automated state covering just the very basic functions of motion and limited articulation.

The chime alerts me to the elevator. My body moves, programmed with its basic response. I press the button for my floor, and wait. Wait for the next set of chimes. I exit the elevator and walk, each step getting progressively heavier, to my apartment door.

“You’re nearly there Ana, well done. You can make it. Now open the door.” my subconscious chimes.  Fumbling around I finally find the keys and enter my apartment.  As I enter the apartment, it feels unfamiliar and empty. Like a Zombie, I slowly drag myself to my room, and there laying at the end of my bed is Charlie Tango. It’s hanging, completely devoid of life, a shadow of its former self looking and feeling very much the same as me.

That was the last straw, I grabbed the balloon snapping its tie from my bed rail and I fell onto the bed, and surrendered to my screams.

After the howling screams, the flood gates opened and tears flow, unabated. I finally relinquished all control over my body and mind and surrender to grief. The very last conscious thought in my mind was “Oh dear God, what have I done?”

As I lay there, time has lost all meaning. Eventually, the tears turn to small sobs, and finally indistinct whimpers. I lay for hours in a catatonic state somewhat conscious, but devoid of any thoughts or feelings except grief.

I am not sure for how many hours pass as time has lost its meaning. I don’t see any daylight seeping through the curtain so it must be nighttime. Eventually, my body’s physical needs start asserting themselves. I slowly summon all my strength, drag myself out of bed, and hobble over to the bathroom.  After seeing to my bathroom needs, my eyes focus on the shower, maybe it will help me attain some focus.

Shedding my clothes, I step into the shower. I let the hot water wash over me as the mist envelopes me. I lean on the hand rail and take a few deep breaths, trying to find a quantum of peace, but my treacherous mind is flooded with images of Christian. Great!  Not what I needed. I turn off the shower, dry myself and try to find some clean clothes. Ignoring my closet, I make a beeline for Kate’s room and find the pair of pink flannel pjs. Or the break-up pjs as Kate calls ‘em.

I put on the PJs and then hunt for my next target in the freezer. Jackpot! There is half a container of Häagen-Dazs Baileys ice-cream.  I grab it along with a spoon and head back to my bedroom.

While snacking on the ice-cream, my mind flashes back to the events over the last twenty-four hours.  How did we get to this?  Oh yes, I wanted to prove that I could take some pain for the man I love. Yes, and maybe if I could take the pain, he would be willing to give me more of what I need. More of what?  Would he love me? Does he even understand what love means? Is he capable of it?  Sadly, these questions remain unanswered as the inner monologue continues

The physical bite of the belt was nowhere as sharp as the pain I have felt over these last few hours. Besides my inability to deal with pain, I could not understand the joy he got from inflicting this pain. What kind of person would get pleasure from inflicting pain on others? A twisted fucked up soul, that is who he is.  We were incompatible and destined not be.  My mind could make all the logical reasons, however they fail to console my heart.  Emily Dickinson’s quote springs unwelcome in my mind. “The heart wants what it wants or else it does not care.”

Lost in these thoughts, the grief takes over.  Tears start flowing and I am lost again. Grief along with sleep deprivation makes strange bed fellows. My mind starts playing cruel tricks on me.  I start seeing images of Christian.  He is in my bedroom.  I am lying in his arms.  I see him when my eyes are open or shut.  My mind has locked itself away in its own reverie.

As I lay here in my bed, somewhere between awake and sleep, my mind continues to play tricks on me.  I see Christian slipping under the covers on the bed lying down next to me, embracing me within his arms.  Of course, he is not really here, more delusion brought on by my state. However a cruel trick this might me, my subconscious seems comforted and I start to drift towards an uneasy sleep.

As I stir and consciousness starts seeping back into my mind, my senses become aware. The first feeling I have is of extreme warmth. I feel hot, uncomfortable. As my body stretches I take a deep breath and am accosted by a very familiar scent. I let out a sigh; my mind is still playing tricks on me. As I turn my body in bed I feel the presence of someone else beside me; I know that presence and I know my mind is just conjuring up these images. I must be dreaming. The illusion is shattered within seconds as my eyes look up and stare into deep grey eyes of the person in bed next to me.

“Hello Anastasia” he whispers.

“Christian I…” becoming aware of where I am, my mind is flooded with questions.  What? Why? How? Without lack of clear thought, I blurt out the first thing I can think of. “What are you doing here?

“I am here Ana, because I need to be here.” He looks at me with desperation, “The last twenty four hours without you have been torture.”

I stretch and sit up in bed and turn towards him.  His face holds the most sorrowful and contrite expression I have ever seen but I am in no mood for it. I am hurting inside, and part of me wants him to feel the same hurt. “How did you get into my apartment?”

He raises his eyebrow, “Please Anastasia, I am a man with resources.”

“That’s breaking and entering; obviously law means nothing to Christian Grey”

“No Anastasia, not when it comes to you. You generate extreme emotions within me and I lose all reason. As I have said before, you have bewitched me Miss Steele” he adds with his patented smile.

“No.  Please leave Christian. Leave and don’t come back. Please let me go.  I don’t have the strength to do this anymore.  I have cried so much over the last several hours, I am not in any fit state to discuss, argue, or have any rational thoughts.  Please leave.” I plead to him.  Tears are threating again, but I will not give him the satisfaction.  Anger is controlling them, keeping them at bay.

“Please.  Give me a chance to say what I need to say. Then I will leave if that is your wish.”  Pausing, he gazes into my eyes searching for an answer which he gets in the slightest nod.

“Anastasia, I don’t know how to say this.  The last twenty four hours have been the most torturous hours of my life.  I feel like the sun has set forever and will never rise again. I have never felt this desolate or helpless in my life. I don’t know how to cope.  All I know is that my heart wants you.”

Oh god, he does love me, my heart lifts. He feels exactly as I feel, although he probably doesn’t even know it’s love.

“I don’t know what there is about you; something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long.” He pleads and continues.

“I never wanted our first meeting to end, I cancelled my subsequent meeting and I would have cleared the rest of my day to spend time with you. I have never done that before.”

“I could not wait to see you again, and I waited for my chance to see you at the hardware store.  I could not wait until Graduation.”

I knew it was too much to be a coincidence, Kate was right.

“I have never pursued a woman before, but you, I have pursued clear across the country. You seem to have this quality that draws me to you… just like the sun draws all the planets towards it.  It’s like… like gravity, pulling things towards it.”

“As much as I tried to warn you off and keep you away, in the end, I couldn’t stay away, I fell for you. I want you anyway I can.”

“This doesn’t resolve anything Christian, the basic fact remains that we are incompatible with each other.  You have needs I can’t meet. I have needs you can’t meet.” I softly add.

“Ana, these last few weeks I have felt alive. For the first time in my life, I see a way out of darkness and into the light. You have generated all these feelings and emotions that are alien to me; I don’t know how to cope with them. They overwhelm me and make me lose control.”

“Part of me is fighting very hard to suppress those feelings and go back to having control. I can’t function without control and I can’t function with you in my life. I was hoping that I could have you as well as have control, but I see now that this is no longer possible.”

“I want you in my life and I will find a way. Can’t we find a solution? Isn’t there another way that would work for both of us? Please give us a second chance? He is pleading now, with all his heart and baring his soul.

What do I say to this? I know what my heart wants, and I know my mind is at conflict with my heart.  He is in the darkness and wants to come out into light. Can I help him come into light, or will I be dragged into dark? I must admit that I do like some darkness; however, I could never be a submissive.  What happens, when he finds out that he can’t do without control? What happens to us? I will be more broken than I am right now.

I consider his words and I know what I must do.

“Christian, I need time.  I need time to reflect on this. I need space.  I am not saying no, but it’s not a yes either.  So much has happened in such short a time and I need time to process this.  Consider us on a temporary hiatus for now.  At this moment, my mind won’t let me say yes and my heart won’t let me say no.  Please give me time.”

He nods as he stares at me. Those grey eyes seem to be piercing my heart and soul searching, searching for hope of some kind.  He nods once more slowly, raises himself out of bed and walks out of the door.

“Oh God, what I have done again” my subconscious sneers. I can’t let him go like this.  I blurt out the first thought that comes into my head.”

“Christian! I will love you, Always.”

He freezes and stops, halfway out the door.  At this point, if he turns back, I know I will not be able to stop myself.  He takes a deep breath as I see his shoulders relax, and finally mutters his last words as he walks out. “I will wait for you Anastasia forever and a day.”

A/N:  Ok, this my first attempt at writing in nearly 15 years since the days of writing X-Files FanFic.  Please be gentle.

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